What I hope to do

Such a title merits a long long post. But time does not permit to do so. Hence to summarize things in a line or two - I hope the coming year changes the way I've been thinking and feeling, I hope to reinvigorate that sense of accomplishment in life I've been missing, I hope to be able to do some good to the lives of the people who matter to me and find out what it is I'm doing. Long run and short run don't matter - I just hope to live up to the hopes of the people who believed in me, I also hope to help and give back to the world that has given me disproportionate good luck and happiness so far. I hope you do too :)

Happy new year!

The rhyming spree continues

Try it out sometimes, you may suck but who cares anyway :)

*

It's just you and your fickle mind
Which does not know what lies behind

Neither, what lies ahead

This is not something they had said 

It was you who took the call

In your court, lay the ball 

It still is, will always be 

Get above your 'I and me' 

You might be a twig in the river

Yes, it may take you forever

To figure it out, to understand

How and why and what to mend

Or you may just never know

And keep on going with the flow

But just be happy on the way

This is what they happen to say

It seems quite easy sometimes

To forget and leave everything behind

But often it's just as hard as hell

To allay the fear, get out of the shell

To just get rid of this mental blur

Go beyond a broken slur

Think of yourself as too little, too small 

To be thinking about you at all 

There are better things, it's a big big world 

Be at peace, be a part of the swirl 

*

As another year nears the end

I am no poet, I just like to rhyme

Thoughts I think from time to time 

*

It is that time of the year again

To look back, wonder and arrange

The things that happened - good or bad

How it passed, the time we had

As you ponder a while down the line 

This year, this day - what will it define

It could be things that changed for better

Or people who just came to matter

Or places that were yet unseen

Some that just came to mean 

Dreams that became reality

Occurrences that were a rarity

Or others that came crashing down

leaving just hopes abound

Decisions taken with fingers crossed

Things that were found and lost 

Maybe it'll be moments of dismay

Or those that took your breath away

Things that you saw and learn't 

Books you read, ideas you churned

Would it be just that one thing?

One thing that this year will bring

To your mind, as you sit in vain

and think about this time of the year again.

* 

Sorry for inflicting this on you pseudo readers :)

Chaos and negativity

A word of caution - this post is just a big rant of my insignificant troubles in life. Since this blog is of no other major value other than for me to write about things that come to my mind (and one's that just cannot be shared with people) - I take the luxury to use it for precisely that.

There are many things I'd like to write about, many that remain unsaid and need to be told (for no better reason than to rid my mind of those things). All the cliches you'd ever hear - about time passing by too fast, too many changes happening way too quickly and people being overwhelmed by them - stand valid for me at this point of time. Maybe I am subconsciously becoming a fatalist at some level or have become too comfortable with cribbing and over questioning things and not finding most of the answers.

Quite a hell load of self pitying you'd think. Don't get me wrong (I also think I may have this compulsive habit of being defensive time and again), I know my troubles in life stand no where compared to the miseries of the rest of the world, that I'm not the first and definitely not the last to be torturing (pardon the usage of such extreme adjectives) myself by over thinking and that self loathing and cribbing/complaining bring absolutely no good to anyone; one must really learn to appreciate and enjoy the simpler/smaller things - absolute happiness is over rated and mostly a means of the world (bollywood movies, childhood stories and parents) to perpetuate making peace with being miserable everyday and hoping that the light at the end of the tunnel will be worth all of it. What a joyful view of the world I have, right.

Probably like a lot of other people in the world I know as to (at most times) why I'm unhappy sometimes, I know I shouldn't be, I know the cure for that lies within but still unrealistically expect a fairy god mother (childhood stories I tell you) to use some magic wand to fix everything. I am well aware of reality, maybe I'm way too conscious of it sometimes but at some level I'm in denial - of the fact that there really is no fairy god mother, there really is nobody one can fall back on, that you cannot expect someone to be wholeheartedly interested in your life, that one shouldn't be so in need of an external agency to push you all the time, that things don't work out fine in the end all the time.

Yes, there is too much negativity in my mind. There is also fear - sudden and unrecognizable - of the present, of the future, of the people around me, of what I'm doing and where I'm headed, of failure, of loneliness, of growing distant from things/people that matter, of speaking my mind, of sharing what I feel with certain people who really need to know, of not living up to someone's hope's and expectations, of being trapped in this cycle of laziness and hopelessness.

Ok. That's all.

Next post - ideally should be one that intends to pep up and inspire my self. And as a suggestion to those who share the vibe (and I hope you don't) - asking for help and writing it all down both are extremely effective, listening to Floyd and Coldplay are most certainly not.

--

Laziness bars me from proof reading it again. So turn a blind eye to the typos please :)

It's what they say.

There is something about these popular or not so popular things people say and the way they seem to seamlessly explain how you feel at a particular moment. I tend to get a little overwhelmed as to how someone else can put into words so perfectly what you happen to be thinking/experiencing. I don't know how and why such similarity in what we think/experience emerges but it sure does one thing (whether that's good or bad is a secondary issue) - it just makes you feel you're not alone. There are times when a state of mind cannot be shared with anybody irrespective of how close (or not) they are to us and reading something that makes such perfect sense or provides justification or just reverberates what you're thinking is comforting.

Maybe it's not always a good thing - especially if it perpetuates a thought that is in fact damaging to you or to someone else in the picture - but it gives one much needed reassuarance, albeit temporary or baseless; it makes us feel less of an idiot in thinking the way we do (though that could have something to do with the fact that the words are of someone equally idiotic). Point being that the right or wrong of the thought stops mattering - it just helps knowing that you're not the only one.

In line with that, here are just a few that have struck a chord with me at point or the other. Some made me feel better, some worse - in any case I loved what was said.

"Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within."
— Sigmund Freud

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?", asked Alice.
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to", said the Cat.
"I don't care much where - " said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go", said the Cat.
" - so long as I get SOMEWHERE", added Alice as an explanation.
"Oh you're sure to do that", said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."
- Alice in Wonderland

"Wishes on my shoulders
Some in my heart
Sinking ships
Even without a start"
- Anonymous

...and more later :)

Cribbing.

In the ideal world, cribbing is a futile task. It generates negativity, puts us into this vicious cycle of either cynicism or self loathing, turns us into fatalists at some level and kills that spirit of changing the things that stifle our mind. It's all quite true I'm sure, but like all other things that are 'ideal' in this world it doesn't hold true most of the times, at least for me. I am highly prone to getting into these cribbing marathons at a more than desirable frequency and it sucks.

What is it with us cribbers - are we just inherent losers or perpetually depressed about one thing or the other, are we attention seekers wanting to publicize ourselves as victims of the universe, do we lack basic gratitude towards life and all that we have or are we just plain envious - of everything and everyone, the grass is never green enough for us.

I've been giving it some thought off late - as I do to all things unworthy of being thought about - and have come down to no concrete explanation. I've always maintained that it's best to be stoic, keep things to yourself and keep the thinking to a minimal. However in reality - situations make you vulnerable and needy, you cannot function without people and over thinking is a bloody curse that I'm inflicted with for life.

I would like to dedicate an entire post to my complaint list but that'll just perpetuate the entire cycle all over again. Also I want to reserve that for later when the damn really breaks. Yes, I win at making overtly dramatic (borderline melodramatic) statements.

P.S. Hope to post more often dear (mostly imaginary and few real) followers. Could crib about that as well actually, but what the hell.

Realizations

Exam time, the heat outside and being forced to stay at home make up for a powerful trigger for the procrastinator in some of us. So one just ends up thinking about all the things in this world except for the things that actually merit attention. The following are therefore a slew of disconnected realizations that have dawned on me in the recent past as a result of pretending to study and actually staring at the walls instead.

Number One: It's very easy to say that one must not have any regrets in life because invariably one does. That is not something a 21 year old should say but well, such is the scheme of things. I have always maintained that choice is a curse and boy is it exacerbated by indecisiveness. It may be a mark of lack of conviction or ambitiousness, but you've just got to let go of some things in life and not ask too many questions.

Number two: It's true that our choices make us who we are, but in the end it's all just a big gamble. We are imperfect, our thinking is imperfect, situations are mostly imperfect and so are the outcomes. So there really is no option but to go with your gut feeling and believe and hope that things work out and if they don't (and I'm going to get a little preachy here), I go by the following -

"..Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.."

Number Three: For the past year, I and most of the people I know have been struggling to find some certainty in life. Yes, well we're all at the point where some tough and life changing decisions must be made. No, now I'm just being dramatic - it's basically just end of college and therefore time to figure out what to do next and apparently justify why we're doing what we're doing as well. I have hated this past year because of all the questions and the thinking and the commotion; but I've also loved it because of the challenges it brought, the things it taught and just the crazy streaks it revealed in a lot of people

But now things are somewhat sorted for me and most of my friends, albeit momentarily. The most important thing that I've realized out of all of this is that there is no such thing as certainty. So it's futile chasing this impossible goal. You'd probably be miserable if there wasn't that optimal amount of anxiety and nervousness to keep you on your toes and make you think. I look at the grown ups around me and find them getting less and less sure of what they're upto each passing year..so I figure, that finding certainty should be the least of my concerns as long I just keep doing something and learning something.

Number four: There are a few good things in life which will remain irrespective of how everything eventually turns out - good books that can be read and re-read, places that don't rip you off that can be seen, new people to be met, cool old friends to be visited, family who will hopefully be there to make you feel you're still special, TV which you will still be able to afford and enough food and water for us to survive. Peace.

(No time to proofread, so please don't mind the errors okay!)

Why I am not writing.

Dear pseudo readers, blog and myself,

This is a post driven by my uncanny need to justify and reason out everything I am doing/not doing to an external agency. It's a habit I haven't entirely been able to comprehend and frankly do not wish to either since it doesn't seem to be doing any apparent harm to anybody. Anyway, getting back to the point of why I am not writing more posts (not that my previous record and frequency of posts was somehow outstanding). So well, the reasons for the same are multiple - laziness, other areas in life that deserve more attention, etc. But strangely, the issue isn't the lack of content - but maybe the fact that there's too much of it and is not matched by the confidence, skill and will to write all of it and put it up here. Honestly, I don't want this blog to fizzle out and trust me irrespective who reads it or not, it wont.

One of the many things that I've realized after I began writing this blog is the sheer number of thoughts that come into our minds every single day (because I try to think of each one as a potential blog post) and the numerous things that I wish to say. But it also made me realize that not everything can be said, written and explained, that sometimes I fear being judged even though I know how entirely futile it is, sometimes I think of absolute nonsense that you don't think anyone would and should waste their lives reading and sometimes I wonder as to how and why it matters what I think and say.

Anyway, as I mature and become smarter (or so I like to believe), new realizations dawn on me and I now feel that I should just write whatever I feel like without much dissection, critique and analysis and hope to become better and better (in terms of what I write, in terms of the clarity and relevance of my thoughts and hopefully in terms of readers too) every single day.

Too optimistic and cheerful a stance this is for a person like me, but I think it deserves a shot. Maybe somethings in life just do :)

P.S. Shorter posts are healthier for a writer like me.

People

People - there are too many of them in this world; yet at most times they seem too few.
They are apparently bursting out at the seams, over pressurizing the environment, other species, this universe; yet thousands of us when we sit alone, find no one to talk to, to share with, to lean on.

People - we don't know them, we don't understand them, mostly we don't care for them and they don't matter. Yet, you remove the few that do out of the picture and it becomes hard to find a reason for doing/enjoying the things that you do. Not just people you love, but people you see, people who inspire, people who we envy.

People - they say small minds discuss people (read it in a quote once somewhere), yet invariably everything comes down to them - the good, the bad, the ideas, the need for change, the need to stop, to do something, to prove something, to let go,to fight, to live - they ARE the cure and the disease (read: coldplay).

People - fill up everyday with the things they say, the smiles they bring, the conversations they fuel, the drama they create, their arrogance, their humility, their failure, their ability, their sorrows, their joy, their mere presence, their lives.

People - are important. There may be bigger goals and joys in life - to read, to travel, to become rich, to save the world, to learn, to know, to see and experience, but this one important entity - the people, make it all worthwhile, make it all real.

People - kill each other, hate each other, damage the earth, damage their own lives, disrespect other people, consider themselves superior, the ultimate force to reckon with, too big, too powerful to be destroyed. They hurt others, demean others, are apathetic, are irrational.

People - they need to learn, to stop, to listen, to be humble, to credit those who do great things (unrecognizably) every single day, to preserve, to protect, to laugh, to respect, to see the obvious (endlessly repeated) facts and apply them, to stop chasing things with blinders on, to not making money overwhelmingly important in life, to be appreciative, to help others, to complaint less, to breathe more.

People - are just plain funny. I love the one's I have and had, more than they know, more than I can say. They make my world and who I am count every single day.

(This stems from no where..or maybe from every where, what the heck, it is what it is.)

A Routine thing

People have such varying attitudes towards the whole concept of having a routine don't you think? Or maybe it's just me thinking too much about it..

I personally have always liked having some structure and agenda to my day and sticking to a routine, although more often than not I fail i.e. make plans that I don't stick to. But I think I like it when a structure exists, even if it is forced on to me and I have to stand up to it - like say during exams. I love exam time routine - it makes you feel productive, makes you work towards short term goals and creates pressure that makes us push ourselves. I know by now anyone who is reading this will probably think I'm crazy (or that I'm a nerd and how I wish it was so), but I just like the disconnect from other important things in life when you're in the middle of exams, I like the overwhelming sense of being busy. I don't exactly know if that's justified and if that makes any sense but it is what it is.

Anyway, moving on..so as I was saying people have such varying attitudes towards their routine. The lack of it makes some people feel they're leading useless lives, not doing anything productive, not making the most of their living/breathing days, etc and the presence of it makes them feel caught up. I am actually quite undecided on the subject matter and maybe that's the way its supposed to be. But I always envy people with a routine the one's who're always engaged with something (and like it too) or required somewhere or just have the discipline to be committed to something everyday. But I may be diverting from the point here - people who are of that nature would be so even in the absence of a 'structured' routine to adhere to.

Point being, exactly how important is it to have a routine in life, some structure to our days and how valuable is it versus being free, experiencing each day as it comes and rediscovering yourself everyday. The later portion was just meant with a hint of sarcasm (I think it's crap) because I don't see that happening with me (EVER) and I speak from entirely personal (and hence limited) experiences here.

I write this post because I'm at a point where I stand unaware of the routine the days ahead in my life should and would have. This results in my mind wandering off to something that is of absolutely no relevance to arriving at a solution to my problem but as always, it is the irrelevant things that capture my attention.

With this blog the only consistent part of my routine I hope to eventually find my way to a fulfilling routine in life and meanwhile learn to rejoice the liberating lack of it.

Rock Bottom

So it seems to me that my depressing rants have subconsciously become the theme of this blog. That ain't something I appreciate and would therefore make a genuine attempt to reorient this blog and make it revert back to the random and theme-less nature it was intended to have and bring back the never found diversity I wanted it to have.

It sucks, to have posted one miserable post on a miserable subject with a miserable title in the first month of this godforsaken year. Okay, that's it - no more depressed ranting! So well, reorientation is going to be the mantra from now on so I have atleast one thing in life under control - this blog. As it is it's the only place where there is no competition, no pressure and no expectations(internal or external)so to speak and hence absolute monopoly.

So, here's to hitting rock bottom and bouncing back instead of digging in deeper.. (That was hopelessly cliched, but let's just try to be a little cheerful pseudo readers)

..and hopefully more posts too!

Being strange. Part I.

Seriously speaking, I am drained to think up a creative enough title for this post and the posts to come (not that prior to this I've done that well). Also, I am a bit short on time and trying to multitask. Now, no one's compelling me to write this post but I still am, that's the beauty of doing something you love. No, I am not trying to preach anybody anything here. Just that I've heard a bit too much of this whole 'do something with your life that truly makes you happy' and 'follow your heart' and 'don't let your talents go to waste' and some more of 'you're gifted, you just need to push yourself', etc, etc. When you hear that repeatedly there are two things that can happen - a. It hits some nerve in your brain so that you set everything in your life straight or b. You just are puzzled and lost and contemplating whether these people even know what they're talking about.

I am not specifying which category I belong to though it ain't hard to figure that one out, but lets just say, that you do need to have some sort of a structure, some sort of a rough plan or goal in life. That's what's expected of you, that's the way the world works and that's the way people who are brilliant become brilliant. It's all subject to change, both endogenous and exogenous, but you nonetheless need to have some direction in life. That makes sense completely.

But some of us, just don't. I don't know if that's a sign of our impending dismal future of being just another average, indecisive, laid back human being - just existing and going with the flow - something that none of us want to be but most of us are. So, how exactly are you supposed to find a way. I'm sure there are tons with an answer and many more willing to give me one. But, for those who feel the same - the answers gotta come from the inside. When and how, I really don't know. Infact, I'm not even too sure whether it'll come or not. But till then, bear with my misery, general sense of pity and disgust towards life.

Since impressions matter, let me clarify - I'm not always a grumpy person, it's just that the grumpy me loves to pour it's heart out all the time.

P.S. This is just the first of a series of posts where all strange thoughts that occur to me are penned down. Oh, sorry, typed out.