Wanting

There is this delicate balance of contentment and want that you need to tread to happily keep going. More often than not, the balance slips and causes discomfort, anxiety and annoyance - with the world, with yourself. Point is the balance isn't even something we are proactively chasing. We are chasing our wants mostly, contentment just strikes as this moment of epiphany once in a while (the epiphany is retained each time that happens).

Is it insecurity or is it fierce ambition? Is it complacency or satisfaction? Is it slumber or indifference? Is it who you are or is it what you do? And aren't most of those A's and B's in the A or B? above just two sides of the same coin. In which case, is this really happening or is this me mistaking it for something it isn't.

Pardon (non existent readers) for the over abstractness of the above. Hopefully you are just like me and get it. Perplexing, isn't it? This song makes for a near perfect representation of thoughts at this point.

House of Cards

On many a days, these nimble hands got the idea of creating something big and tangible with a pack of cards. These had to be adequately new (enough to stand their might) and worn out (to have the friction with the ground to not slip). They taught the importance of right timing (the tipping point between being new and worn out for the cards) that goes into the beginning of building something or creating something from scratch. Something that has the ability to hold fort for long. It also reiterated the basics of care, concentration, patience and vision that was needed to keep adding layer upon layer. The vulnerability of the whole exercise along with your own happiness that came with it was known from the very first instance - a stroke of wind, the blow of an evil cousin/friend is all it would take. All you could do was sulk over poor luck (in case someone accidentally turned the fan on) or the apathy of those around us (namely those evil brats that would kick it over).

Why was there such joy around in creating something so vulnerable and fragile? Especially because one started off completely aware of its impermanence from the very start. Why not invest time in something more valuable and concrete (even if it did hone valuable traits such as focus and patience)? Is there some adrenalin rush that accompanies creating something that is known to be open for anyone to casually destroy and seeing it stand the test of time? Or is there some emotion within the nervousness and excitement that no other situation could create. I don't still quite understand. I fail to understand this chase to keep on creating a house of cards that is waiting to be crashed. 

Overuse of the word frailty. Because nothing describes things better.

There are moments when the frailty of everything around you overwhelms you. Does that happen to you? I know it does to me, a lot. Frailty not only of every "thing" (in terms of context/situation and even the things you believe to be tangible) that might alter in a split second or every person but also of the way you see yourself and the world.

If you are one of those who is above all of this and realize the impermanence of it all and are be able to do what truly gives you every day satisfaction, I respect you. I recognize it. I think I am far from practicing it though. Since today came as one of those days of epiphany to me (for reasons best untold), I would say that realization without action is perhaps the worst position the be in. I say this not with a sense of self pity but with a sense of disappointment. Disappointment of letting go to waste, a mind that sees and senses with impeccable clarity what matters and what doesn't, what it takes to go on everyday versus what takes to realize a true sense of self worth in life. What is it anyway?

Let me not confuse this further. The point is, how you feel is a function of ephemeral judgements and opinions and perceptions of people. These are in turn based on contexts and situations that may dramatically change. Which in turn depends on how you act, which they say emerges from what you feel or your ability to regulate the impact of what you feel on how you chose to act, the former being a function of extreme impulse sometimes.

I get a strange sense of clarity today in my head. Clarity that is both liberating and unnerving and depending on which feeling stays for longer it might drive a decision I believe could have a bit of a butterfly effect. I just wanted to make sure I kept record of the moment. And also ask the frail being crossing this piece of writing on what will they let define them - will it be frailty and the lack of belief or frailty and the existence of faith?

Exaggeration

**

They said it was trivial,

she said she thought so too

Too much traffic of thoughts in there

Much to no adieu 

Changes must be enacted

Emotions held at bay 

Whats in your head does matter

Till it begins to decay 

The decay may be yours

Don't make it mine too 

The picture, mine's a big one

Details, they can't woo

I know when it's most important 

I've acted many a moves

I know you've held it back as well

Once or was that two?

Exaggeration knows no bound dear,

all it makes you do is defend

It may be where your life begins

But it's where mine ends

Too much too long together it may seem

At too early a time 

It's all but a pin prick in the face of my picture

Perhaps, in yours, a line 

So with that end these trivialities

and a glorious time begins 

Exaggerate you must not dear

But don't worry, you have me as a friend

**

Things left behind.

Sometimes letting a person/thing/place go is much more than just the physical separation or absence. Often you may have anchored so much of your life and thoughts around it that the thought of distancing leaves a void. I think it happens in school, college changing of houses/neighborhoods - the bout of nostalgia, the feeling of being lost. Of course more than often, the goodbye is also accompanied by a new introduction and a feeling of moving ahead, building on things of the past - having made the most out of them, harboring the hope of doing both yourself and the place good by this act of moving on - moving ahead is natural, it's destiny, after all. I wonder how the thing being left behind feels?

It had anchored itself completely to you as well and perhaps never thought of moving on. You are not to be blamed, by any definition. Maybe the house is stupid, hell it's not even suppose to think and "feel" such things, right? It wants the best for you, it really does - but you leaving is not only a separation for it; it's a moment of epiphany, of the things that lay ignored as it spent time with you (no, it's not regret, trust me), of it's own nothingness without you, of it's inability to share your enthusiasm at this juncture and sometimes, even doubting this nostalgia you show. It can't blame you, it doesn't want to, but it is most certainly set off on a spate of self criticism for putting so much at stake with your promises of being there forever.

Where the hell does this come from, there were no promises - at such a stage, you can't make promises and even if you do, it must be unsaid yet understood that they may not be kept due to changing circumstances. You have a life to build, besides your time here was what - a pimple in the overall timeline and of course you will eventually return. You care for me, right? Wait, I shouldn't ask you such questions, your do of course. I am happy for you, this will be good - for you to do what you wanted to to and for me to be able to attend to chores that lay ignore in the enthusiasm of being with you. It will resume, meanwhile I'll try to live up to be interesting enough to either keep you home or not lose it on losing you.

Take care my friend.

Your brief old abode.