What lies ahead

This blog, like myself is at this point of time very wary about its future. With not much happening, or maybe too much happening around the both of us, we seem to be losing out. Here are a few things, random as always that just come to mind as I ponder over this year and the year to come.

So this is me, procrastinating in the name of retrospective thinking.

I have just started out on this whole 'deciding about your future' path. If you happen to live in India or in any place where there are just a million people running after everything (okay, so that practically applies to the whole world) it's difficult to think of yourself as unique and not a part of 'the race'. Everyone is a part of some race. Some win, some lose and then there are the one's like me - running, panting, losing breath, sometimes almost winning but not quite there; thinking as to why they even started running in the first place or why they aren't running fast enough knowing well enough that they should be and that it's the only way to go.

I have no idea what I'll be doing next year and where I'll be - I guess that doesn't sound too astounding coming from a 20 year old. Things that I happen to like are sort of mutually exclusive, so that makes my choices harder. Also I am not a person of extremes - I do not particularly 'love' or 'hate' anything; maybe that means I am not passionate enough (and I like to believe that isn't true), but what the hell can one possibly do. To add to the misery is the overload of expectations - some from others, but mostly my own.

I guess, everybody has to just go through this phase and then just eventually look back to see how foolishly they acted. But all I pray for (I'm almost an atheist, but not there exactly) is that if and when I look back I don't have too many regrets or that what I have more than compensates for what I don't.

People say that this is the time - to live, to work hard, to explore the world, to just be; one isn't young forever and challenges only multiply from hereon. I think this is one of the oldest cliches, but like all other cliches, maybe it is infact true. It's true that loss and rejection do hit us (mildly irrational people) badly, but then there's our whole lives lying ahead of us, so it's always a comforting option to hope that better things lie ahead and that everything will 'eventually' fall into place as per our 'master plan'. But I wonder, will this consolation work when I'm 40 and still as confused and indecisive and dissatisfied as I am today?

Growing up is over rated. Very, very over rated. You don't get some enormous dose of wisdom to make the right decisions, it just becomes impossible to avoid them anymore or let someone else decide for you.

I've often said that choice is a curse, really, I wish sometimes that someone should just pick and choose for me and tell me what to do. But I know that's easier said than done. Life at this point is so much like a drive on Delhi's roads(pardon the awful analogy) - you want to take the least crowded path as you start off your journey, you make your calculations which seem logical but are basically just based on imagination. Finally, you know you can take just ONE route and only hope that timing and luck, all work in your favour. The path ahead could be a smooth one or full of traffic, and you know that very well.

Some things are just too unpredictable to lose your hair worrying about them. Lets do what we can do best - take that leap of faith and hope everything works out fine.

For those who feel the same way(perpetually lost and over thinking about the future)and who don't mind seeking some pseudo inspiration, listen to 'Everybody's free to wear Sunscreen' by Buz Luhrmann. It's a brilliant song, just perfect for times like these:)

Facts and Observations

This is going to be a string of random observations from everyday life:

1. The weather in Delhi these days is awesome - its just the onset of winters, the kind of cold that doesn't kill you but does make room for light winter clothing and food. Although, the excited lot is already out with clothes that make me feel like its snowing.

2. Driving - although an environmentally damaging thing to do - is a good stress buster(in the absence of traffic of course). It really makes you feel in control of things even though its momenatary.

3. Disillusionment with Facebook is growing day after day - why am I friends with so many people who don't care if I exist and vice verse. What’s the point? Especially after watching 'The Social Network', the narcissism of it all(and occasionally I'm a part of it too)just hits me more.

4. Exams have been postponed! Though I have mixed feelings towards this occurrence, since I can't change it I'd like to think of the good part only - not having to study right now.

5. I have observed that my posts have been too depressing lately. I think its got to do with the fact that when I'm slightly sad, writing emotions tend to peak. But, I'm not all that gloomy all the times - one may worry about the future, but should anyway enjoy the ride to it!

6. I love my friends. A cynic, a shopaholic, an insomniac, a baby and a revolutionary/college mom - some of my closest friends in college are just so very different; I believe that they make me a smarter/better person. (Also valid for some of my other friends, but more on that later)

7. I have been among a lot of women over the past three years and witnessed them living quite peacefully all this while. It was slightly surprising, but right now as I see them gathering all their energy and gearing up for a good old fashioned cat fight I get a feeling of comfort - the world hasn't changed. I'm sure a lot of them wouldn't mind killing the other, in a war of words of course. If and when that happens, there will be a lot to write about.


Okay, so that's it. I'm done and have managed to pull up the number of posts in November to three, so congratulations to me.

Underground

I usually like to be the one who is thankful for whatever he/she has and does not crib about what he/she doesn't get. Today, just isn't one of those days. Important part of the whole situation however is - how to deal with such times.

So the feeling/situation at hand: That of mediocrity, of being average, of not living up to expectations; some internal and some external, of failing repeatedly, of trying incessantly and feeling the lack of reward, of being alone, of not being loved, of not loving enough, of not working hard enough, of being an under performer, of regrets, of contemplating goals not reached and tasks not done, of disappointment, of hopelessness, of defeat.

Sometimes one just feels tired of the race, of the competition, of being the way the world wants you to be, of not being accepted the way you are, of believing that you are special but finding out that maybe you aren't.

But then again, we can't make our own parallel world and live in it, now can we. Darwin rules, it is the survival of the fittest. You have no option but to suck it up and be the spider that does not stop trying even though sometimes it seems futile. I like to believe I'm not the only one. I also like to believe that there is a place in this world which is for me and which I will hopefully find, soon. But until then, the best I can do is vent my blues here and move on.

So this one is for everybody who feels meaninglessly low for stupid things which seem like the end of the world, but you know what, they really aren't.

Unnecessary Justification

Dear blog,

You do not satisfy most criteria of a good blog - you aren't popular, are seldom read (so far, by three people, I guess), you are theme-less, you do not provide this world with any new/enlightening information, you aren't attractive looking and you aren't being written by a celebrity(yet!). All in all, there is no particularly significant way that you are significant.

But, I love you. You have given someone like me who won't otherwise have the opportunity to write on any portal(in an organized, somewhat purposeful manner), the place to write, the confidence to express my thoughts and hopefully improve(gradually, of course)my deplorable writing skills. Even if you serve some good to one person(that person being myself), I am satisfied. I know I could well have done this in a journal or a notepad file, but the very fact that you're open to public access - irrespective of whether someone reads you or not - gives me some sort of a psychological kick towards trying to write properly/coherently and giving my best - within my capacity, of course.

So even though there is close to zero traffic here, you're still important. Maybe my kids will read you one day, if this world and the internet/technology survive. Knowing my lazy self, you're probably be the only preserve of 20 year old me, so maybe my old self will feel happy reading you too. And maybe, eventually you do start making some sense to someone in this world.

Till then, with the enormous amount of junk on the internet today, I don't think you fare that bad. Too much self admiration - maybe, but who the hell is reading anyway:)

Those simple little things

As someone studying Economics I've been taught - 'There is no such thing as a free lunch' - meaning nothing in life is for free;everything has a cost, implicit or explicit, in monetary or non-monetary terms. In most cases I have found that to be true, but recent occurrences have made me alter that view a little.

There are these little things/events that have immense power to make you happy. Like being treated kindly by a stranger, coming across genuinely polite and kind policemen, helping someone - even if it means putting that foot on the break and letting someone cross the road, genuinely complementing someone or being complemented yourself, etc. Now someone might be able to work out the costs involved here as well, but as far as I'm concerned I don't have to incur any additional expense or effort for feeling the way I do after say listening to my favourite song coincidently play on the radio when I wished it would, entering my college in the morning with this net of sunlight glimmering on me through the tree branches overhead, being praised by someone I respect, amongst a host of other things.

Sometimes I feel the reason for feeling gloomy is because we begin to take things and experiences that are a part of our routine for granted and stop being thankful for them. Because we don't appreciate them as much, we stop enjoying them as well and are constantly fighting or striving for improvements and betterment, both of our life and ourselves. Now, I don't mean to say that that's a bad thing - it is this very yearning to be better that makes us and the world around us grow and become closer to that ideal state we envisage. All I'm saying is that work, deadlines and the stress accompanying it are a part of everyone's life and in all likelihood, will always be. If we're constantly going to be moving towards something and never actually reaching there, doesn't it then make sense that to just enjoy the ride. If not always, we should once in a while (although I'd say, why not everyday) be proud of what and who we are, of whatever we have, of the things we do, of the people around us, of our city, of our life.

So, this one is for the simple little things one can do and experience to make life better and happier, hopefully without any additional expenses. And I do believe in the fact that happy people make successful ones as well (though not necessarily vice verse).

P.S. Rambling and writing vaguely/abstractly happen to be my forte.

Not so long a time ago.

So, I see the date I published my last post and I feel the need to write a new one. But, I have absolutely nothing to say at the moment or maybe I have a lot to say but my mind has sort of degenerated to be able to put it into words.

So, I'm going to post this little thing that I wrote - I call it a mini poem, you may call it anything you wish to. I wrote these lines when I was in Rajasthan this year for a month in June and had the experience of a lifetime! That one month enlightened me and changed me in many many ways. The changes weren't dramatic or explicit, except maybe the glorious tan I came back with. It was more like a reality check, a rekindled sense of gratitude, more satisfaction with what I have and less with respect to how I'm giving back or doing my bit of good in this world, amongst a host of other things.

I don't know if I've become a better person and I don't know for certain how much of a change this actually brings about in my life, but I will definitely be thankful to destiny or whatever it was that made me go there(I'm not a fatalist, just a bit of a believer).

This one is for the extraordinary people I met, the things I heard and witnessed, the simple lessons they taught me, the way they live their lives, their enthusiasm, contentment and unbelievable hospitality. Most of all, to their struggles, which don't seem to have an end - but that only propels them to fight harder and not give up out of dejection. Everyone has a lot to learn from these supposedly illiterate and less enlightened people.

Here it is -

Shining stars in the darkness of the sky
Dreams that wonder, hopes that fly
Colours that shine on barren lands
Unanswered questions are their true friends
Eyes that pray, hands that fend
Is there an answer, will there ever be an end?


P.S. I'll try not to take such long breaks now!

Loss

Only a couple of weeks back, I was asking this co-blogger and friend whose blog is one of the first that I religiously follow, about a post where she talked about dying and the things she would want people to remember if she did. I actually got slightly unnerved over the fact that she was thinking of death all of a sudden and had made up sort of a wish list. Today, I read the blog of Tejaswee Rao - this girl from my college who I unfortunately never got to know and who died of dengue recently. I think somewhere this incident moved all of us and makes me want to put down some of my recent and not so recent realisations about losing people and associated things/feelings -

1. Generally, 'young deaths', mainly those under the age of 40-50 years have become scarily common. Lifestyle, stress, alcohol whatever be the reason, it has made life so short, unpredictable and just plain scary. The lesson to learn from this however is to enjoy the present, cushion your future a bit and really really hold on to the people you love. Don't just forever keep running after something. Higher expectations are the key to everything, agreed, but contentment is a very good thing to adopt too.

2. I hope and pray, no one ever has to experience this, but losing someone you love IS the hardest thing. Its not overrated and I say this, because I know. The strange or funny or absolutely ridiculous part is that NOTHING even pauses as a result of it, nothing changes and even without the people you center your life around, you live, smile, be happy and celebrate. Time does heal, but somehow its always an incomplete picture. Its a puzzle with maybe just one piece missing, but no matter how hard you try, this is the one thing that doesn't change - incompleteness prevails.

3. Losing someone also really raises your level of disappointment. Life has to give it real bad to break you. Also, no loss is ultimate. One big disaster doesn't mean that that's it for you for life. Life and the roadblocks that accompany it never cease. Just that you learn one crucial lesson, cliche but relevant nonetheless - 'This too, shall pass.'

4. I read these couple of lines a long time back and they've been ingrained in my mind ever since; today I know how very true they are.

'There's one sad truth in life I've found while journeying east and west. The only folks we really wound are those we love the best. We flatter those we scarcely know, we please the fleeting guest, and deal full many a thoughtless blow to those who love us best.' - Ella Wheeler Wilcox

We do take the people we have in our lives for granted - especially parents, siblings, spouses, old friends - who we know are (presumably) here to stay. We always invest so much time in making appropriate first impressions, sustaining certain relationships we know are ephemeral - because the genuine one's just manage to survive despite everything and in the process of doing so lose out on time and people who make us who we are. I know the basis of your relation with your parents, siblings, friends, relatives cannot be based on the fact that you may lose them one day but do keep reminding yourself of their significance and what you're life would be without them.

5. Fights, arguments, misunderstandings etc. I know how completely relevant they are for any sort of a relationship to grow between absolutely anyone and everyone, but we sometimes get so blinded by the insanity that we forget where to draw the line. Bitterness that prevails for too long just solidifies some times and again we need to remember - life is TOO SHORT to fight for more than a day! I am learning too, but we really need to realise where to put a full stop and not delay this realisation.

With that, I think what I need to put a full stop to is this post. See, the whole vent up writing energy just got released. This may be a little didactic and incoherent and illogical and slightly depressing and well, heard of pretty often, but what the hell.

P.S - I love blogging.

Being little.

I have so many things on my mind that I can write about that it has just turned into one big mess. So I’m posting the lyrics of a song that I recently heard and fell in love with. Its just one of those songs that aptly puts into tune what you’ve always felt.

It’s by James Morrison:

I was the one who would always jump in first
Didn't think twice to look behind
Got such a good feeling just from playing in the dirt
Once when I was little

We could build a rocket fly to the moon
Leave Tuesday morning and be back for noon
There wasn't nothing, nothing that we couldn't do
Once, when I was little

Yeah I could dream more then
Yeah I believed more then
That the world could only get better

Yeah I was free more then
I could pretend more then
That this life could only show me good times
Once, when I was little

There was a time when I trusted everyone
There was no place that I would not go
Spend a day on the hillside next to the holly mo
Oh once, when I was little

I used to feel so strong
Even when they tell me, tell me I was wrong
That I can't live in a magic world
Cause it's time for me to grow up
And I’ve got to live like the rest of them
Well, I know things have been lost

I could believe more then, I could pretend more then
That this life could only get better
I could believe more then , I could pretend more then
That this world could only show me good times
Once, when I was little

So here comes the next one, the next in line
Stay as young you can, for the longest time
Cause those days flew by
Like a breeze just passing through
Once, when I was little


This one is a song that’s happy and sad and nostalgic all at the same time. More so for those who prefer the past to the present and I think, that a lot of times, I am like one of these people. I do think every phase of life has its own share of good and bad experiences and that growing up is, well, inevitable and not all that depressing. I am 20 and there are so many things in this world I look forward to seeing and experiencing and learning. But, there are just certain things I had as a kid that I wish I’d retained, barring my fat (I was extremely overweight at one point of time; still have weight issues but not that bad). Growing up has made me know more, learn more and be less stupid. But it has also made me harbor more inhibitions, be more conscious of the world and people around me – which isn’t always a good thing and not trust my instincts as much as I used to sometime back. I don’t know how and when that change came about and I hope it’s just a phase that comes to an end soon. I know I'm being dramatic, but well that's the way I see it.

I know I am too young to say this, but sometimes, I so wish I could get my old times back.

Capture

So, I have decided to put some of my favourite pictures up.
I love taking photographs! Hopefully one day (soon), I'll buy a good camera (my current one is a loser 4mp regular digicam) and join a course to learn the finer nuances of the art of photography and then travel the world (or atleast my own country) to get some awesome pictures:)


Oh, these are just two, I'll add some more pretty soon!

The road not taken

The ray of hope is always there. It may be flickering, but eventually it always guides us through.

For the (slightly dramatic) lazy strugglers

This one is going to be in complete contrast to the last one. From the frequency of my posts it must be evident by now that I am a pretty lazy person. Like all lazy people – I am well aware of this fact, have been informed of it by many others as well and yet continue to remain the way I’ve been. But you know, I’m not one of those exponentially laid back, no-good lazy people (ahem, no offense). I’m one of those who wish to do a lot with their lives, usually take up a lot to do also, fail in managing to do everything completely and/or to the desired level of satisfaction, give everything up altogether and then end up being whiny as to how they're doing nothing their life.

What adds to the misery of people like me are friends, relatives and acquaintances who manage to not only juggle like a zillion things with absolute ease but also be pretty darn good at most of them. We (people like me) then pull up our sleeves and decide to get up and take action and change ourselves; to our dismay, laziness has become a part of us by then and you know what - it feeds on itself.

I have used the word ‘we’ here like I know a thousand people with similar traits (I don’t), but I’m just talking about myself assuming (very conveniently) that I’m not the only one who feels that way in this world. So life is a continuous struggle for us (which I’m sure it is for most other people as well, but I just enjoy playing the poor victim sometimes). We buck up, we fall; we buck up again and fall again. But the beauty lies in not stopping to try and this I say from experience - limited, though it may be.

The one thing that I am proud of myself for till now is not giving up trying, despite the laziness. Yes, I wish to do a lot of good things with my life, but I usually end up stumbling. Then there are thousands of those (many of whom, unfortunately, I personally know) who just know more, do more and are better (and hence give me a big inferiority complex) – but I still get up every morning wanting to be a little smarter, little more organized, act more, waste less time, speak up my mind and give my best to whatever I do. That doesn’t mean I succeed or the lazy monster does not take over – it does and it does a lot of times (reflected in days spent doing nothing but watching How I Met Your Mother episodes back to back). The point is being lazy sometimes is fine, giving up in lieu of that laziness isn't. The crux is to never stop trying and if some attempts don't fructify, as my dad told me after every math exam – there is always a next time!

Dark clouds and silver linings

If you live in Delhi, you will find a thread that binds everyone together these days - criticism and complaining. The reasons are obvious and plentiful. I in particular have been witness to (and part of also, a lot of times) of these ubiquitous sprees of nagging and cynicism. To be honest (and defensive to a certain degree) circumstances are to be blamed. But they've definitely taken out the WORST in us.

Hence the need for a cheerful post! Of finding the silver linings amidst these dark clouds (couldn't have used a better cliche!).

Dark Cloud: Traffic on Delhi roads - Being a regular traveler/driver on Delhi's roads I can vouch for the fact that traffic is horrid, roads are civic amenities are in a deplorable state and being in one of those jams makes you want pluck every hair off your head - individually.
Silver Lining: As a result of this, one of those rare times when we do find a clear road, oh boy, does it make our day or what. When you start getting all grumpy and ready to struggle with those clutch plates and breaks and suddenly you find yourself (or your car) just swaying through that fearful traffic patch - it gives one such unexplainable joy that for me is beyond all worldly goods (a bit of exaggeration is harmless).
Traffic, my friends, has made us really appreciative of such simple luxuries!

Dark Cloud: The unstoppable monsoon - Karma is working at rocket speed; we pollute the environment and it comes back to us instantaneously in the form of overtly excessive or deficient heat or rain. The consequences are for everyone to see. For Delhi-ites, this has meant glorification of the CWG mess, delay in projects, water logging (hence more jams!), some unforgettable comments by our politicians, etc.
Silver Lining: The weather! Its humid, yes - but at least the sun is not out(most of the times, occasionally it gets brilliantly windy and mornings + evenings are great. Don't buy my claim - listen to the breeze sometime at night or feel it ruffle through your hair or see it shake those leaves or just get wet in the rain! Unless you're that extreme cynical variety, you'll change your mind.

Dark Cloud: Protests against the Vice Chancellor in DU - Teachers, students and their parents (all in all quite a substantial number of people) are involved and affected by it. The matter just isn't getting resolved and Mr. Pental, is a man of his own mind and will. Now that he's gone, lets see how events unfold - hopefully things will turn out for the best.
Silver Lining: Here I shall be shallow with what the silver lining is - Strikes! What joy it is to get those mid week holidays, catching up on sleep, no lectures, no nonsense. Why this silver lining is overtly significant for me is because my dance class on Tuesday (at 5 pm) clashes with a tutorial (from 4pm to 5pm on the same day), this was going to make me either give up dance classes or attendance (which fetches marks) but so far strikes have insured that every Tuesday turns out to be a holiday!
Its a temporary solution, but I'm still happy :)

Dark Cloud: The time that it took to write this post (considering I have my GRE and 3 assignments to study for)
Silver Lining: Having a brand new post! (Beginner's enthusiasm I say)

Here it is!

This one's for my gut feeling that finally took over and made me create and write the very first post of this blog. Now I know this isn't even remotely a big deal - practically anyone can write a blog (and this is one of the things I love about blogging - no barriers to entry!). But, here I am taking joy in the seemingly insignificant things in life which make it so much easier to go through each day.

I have to admit that I haven't done very well in sticking to one thing in life(so far), so I definitely cannot imagine doing that when it comes to this blog. So hopefully this shall make for a versatile (in order to avoid using the word 'theme-less') read!

Welcome aboard:)