Breaking of a bubble

Consciously or not, sometimes we end up constructing these bubbles around us - of illusions about people, situations and the seriousness (or the lack of it) of circumstance. Not all of us understand and comprehend reality and how much we are responsible for it at the same pace. This lands us in a slew of false beliefs and notions of things being fine, of us being capable or of fate having a way to work out things for us. Typically this would happen if you have been protected/shielded too much or at some level have made the decision to keep yourself away from listening and taking decisions on things that you assumed were just beyond your domain of thinking. 

Cliches are usually true and time has a way of dawning on you realizations that you might have been trying to avoid. When the realization of a time forgone, of a certain way you had been till now not being feasible anymore comes in - it leaves you with mixed emotions. There is a renewed sense of purpose, a feeling of fear from the risks and responsibilities that would follow, of doubt - as to whether it would be possible for you to take it on, of strength. Most of all (yes I am dramatic) - that the game where you make the way has finally begun, for better or for worse is something that (as per cliches again) time will tell. 

Dependence

There is a very thin line between support and dependence; here I speak entirely in a people's context (to be taken with a pinch of salt since I usually make generalizations and state opinions based on excessively limited data points - mostly my own). There is the feeling of tremendous safety and comfort one gets in trusting someone and having someone to lean on. As kids, teenagers, young adults some of us continue to be in the protective bubble that parents tend to create - not even realizing it was there until it's gone - and finally it comes as epiphany when you are stranded alone fending for yourself. And here fending is open to multiple interpretations.

Such a feeling is quite unnerving yet there is some element of liberation to it. I think it comes to different people in different ways, as the exhilarating rush of independence or maybe the strength that accompanies facing something brutal alone (again pardon the use of extreme words - it's all I know) or the fear that ensues having landed in shit that must be faced without guidance or support. Whatever be the route - I am gradually beginning to realize that it is one of the most important things to happen to any person in the process of 'growing up' and trying to survive and lead a seemingly purposeful/ useful existence. I don't believe that 'growing up' happens in a phase or at an age, I think it is supposed to (and usually does) go on forever..only a few of us are able to accept and appreciate that more easily, I don't know whether I'll be able to but it is reassuring to make such supposedly meaningful statements sometimes.

There is this conflict in being close to people, you end up making an unconscious transition from treating them as your support system to leaning on them completely and sometimes letting go of the rest in the process - for good or for a while depend. Either way it spells disaster, or would spell disaster soon enough. People usually have this unsaid capacity of being able to listen to only a limited amount of other people's woes (unless they are being paid by the hour for it, read: therapists), which is a good thing actually as it prevents one from endlessly wallowing and keeping hold of oneself. But at the same time it prevents you from experiencing what some of us envisage to be an all consuming relationship with some one (a friend, a teacher, a parent or a pet) where you lay yourself like an absolutely open book and are accepted for precisely that. 

I don't know if I've managed to get the vague point I was trying to make here come across but frankly as long as it helps me understand it better, it does serve some purpose. Not everything anyway in this world is supposed to serve a purpose. With this I shall try to slow down the defensive person in me a little bit. I only manage to write about things which are more often than not blurred in my own mind. I suggest to anyone who resonates with that line of thought to write it out - it is likely to be a guilt free, almost risk free way of finding support within and trying to depend only on yourself.

Self Destruction

Is when you make the conscious choice of not being worthy of what you have and giving it up. No, it isn't the kind of a task you'd envisage a person en route to becoming a monk doing. It's a selfish task, a purposeless task, a hurtful task - one that you'd undertake for the good of no person on the face of this planet. But something in you would constantly make you do that. Yes, there would be an opposing force as well, an anchor trying to get you back to your senses, people who try and show how you mean so much to them. But it is all, alas, of no help. The thing about people (most likely including myself) is that they cannot tolerate people who are unhappy and who try to gloat in self inflicted misery too much. I personally believe that's a good thing overall - keeps people pushing harder to keep their ground and maintain mental stability in a world where running to achieve this mysterious thing called success and being selfish are almost second nature. I am not belittling the good things that are there on offer but just that some of us do not have the ability to retain them if a part of us is fighting everyday to keep going. There is this reminder that this is momentary - tough times end and then you'll regret having let go off the good things/people. But while in the middle of the mess it is difficult to make yourself understand that.

Anyway, I will not elaborate much - most people hopefully wont relate to it. Just an occasion when thinking out loud was necessary. The outcome or the end situation that this yields is yet to be seen - it would be interesting to look back however on how you made it all fall apart bit by bit - for no apparent reason and no useful cause.