The losing cry

Maybe there is no such thing as failure if you think (or don't think) about it. All are simple states of the mind so guess it doesn't change the world. But it does change you, it does change the way you see things and consequently those that you find yourself able and willing to do. 

It's all about perspective. You have to do things to live - to earn it up or to entertain yourself or to keep perpetuating the belief that you are doing some good to the world or to your own happiness. But there are times when you simply aren't making even one inch of a difference to the happiness of others or yourself, nor are you making a tangible contribution that someone cannot do without. At such times it becomes all too easy to lose that tiny thread of hope, that necessary feeling of gratitude and that inherent 'drive' that keeps you going and makes you want to keep yourself, if no one else, happy and surviving. 

Getting caught in a vicious downward spiral is something that happens all too often with people - I've seen some go through it as a phase and others who lived through it altogether - until the final, end all crash came. It happens and no one cares, no one can cure it, no one can halt it but oneself I guess. It has it's repercussions - on one's mind, one's sense of self belief and the life that one could have lived; it fuels insurmountable regret and self pity - both extremely dangerous destruction forces; it hurts and spoils the lives (not irrevocably, not for continuously) of those close to you and basically, brings no good.

But it's not impossible to escape. The construct of such a situation lies purely in one's choices. Choices that one starts believing are no longer in his/her hands. But they are - in whatever limited constrained way they are open to the rest. Maybe it's proactiveness, maybe it's contentment, maybe it's speeding up  or maybe it's slowing down - haven't quite figured yet the exact ingredient and time that it takes, but hope to get there sometime, sometime soon. 

Until then, the losing cry continues; one that makes me mock it as much as it makes me relate to it - 

The time it has just passed by

I've been an onlooker and a spy

In empty days and scary nights

Stagnation and the search of light

In this place, I never wanted to be

Being bound by only me

Never before have I seen such defeat

Such helplessness, there can be no feat

I’ve been the perpetrator, the victim, the ally

Where to put the blame and why

When to start over and how

Cannot comprehend now

How could this have meant to happen

How did the will get so slacken

Was the past just a farce

A means of keeping me in the dark

The faith, the reason, the hard work, the pride

Dissected, dejected and destroyed

The strength, the power, the spider in me

Squished, crushed and just emptied.

**

Retrospect

This one lay as a draft for way too long in my account. A friend's blogpost triggered me to finally get over the inertia and get it out

It's just one of those days when you feel like taking stock of all that has happened. For me, what triggered it was just a particular day that made me think of a year back and how things had turned around since then. I was rendered feeling disconcerted for a bit - as I seem to overemphasize the not so good occurrences. But then one's mood swings up and down - I figured that just as I am prompted to rant out the negativity, once in a while I should vent out this feeling of calm, albeit a fleeting one that comes over. 

Getting out of one's comfort zone is both an enjoyable as well as unnerving experience; the course and outcome of events that follow really determine the way you look back at time gone by. Some of us like to dwell in constant regret, others like to make the most of what comes their way, some just like going with the flow while some just like being in a fighter mode and just turn things around with the advent of a new phase. Well, changes are necessary and unavoidable - I wouldn't say I'd do away with the unpredictability of changes that ensue in one's life but often I am left with the feeling of having some control. No I haven't witnessed enough to be making such profound sounding statements, but I believe each of us have our own philosophers inside us - this is just mine coming to life.

I am reminded of people lost, and unfortunately there have been quite a few, of reassurance that being loved makes you feel, of the faith that things do have a way of falling in place eventually, of the fact that 'in place' itself needs to be rightly defined. People have bad/low/unproductive phases in life - one should be (and this is more for my future self) open to being patient and helping them out as much as possible, yes some things are just out of your hand..but things are meant to be that way.

All said and done - change happens and I'd like to take a fatalist stand at this point of time, just to absorb and soak all that I have learnt over the past (almost close to a) year. I have made many mistakes, faced some bad luck here and there - but also found and known things that are hopefully there to stay for a long long time to come. A lot of these are reflections about self and a lot are simple things that luck/chance/fate/probabilities seem to have brought in, some are fleeting thoughts of things that must not be felt - envy, self hate, inferiority, insecurity and utter lack of belief and enthusiasm; some are just around the pure, unadulterated high that being in love brings.

Maybe I am coming to conclusions too soon  - but it seems like some things, mindsets, attitudes, opinions have undergone a fundamental change. Nothing commensurate has happened to trigger this change and there are chances it might just be an aberration, who knows. As time goes by however, and you meet more and more people - grow closer, grow apart - you just eventually realize that unless you can love, console, appreciate and ground yourself - there is little hope.

Saying Goodbye

There are a lot of goodbyes and farewells we all face from time to time. Some bid to us, and some by us. It's difficult to say which one is the hardest. I happen to be under the influence of one kind at this point of time so just feel the need to say out loud and remember, more importantly, the feeling and the person.

Yes, no denying that goodbyes are hard. There is the bitter feeling of letting go and reminiscing the good times that the place/person brought to you - sometimes it is the convenience or the routine or your sense of comfort that is so deeply tied to them, sometimes it is the pain caused by the loss to someone you love. Letting go of some of these people (or places or set ups) leaves you feeling distraught, and a little selfish. Relationships you have with people can never be replaced and it's only seldom that you'll even find close substitutes. But the uniqueness or the special element doesn't really hit your conscience until it is time to let it go. You then have no option left but to chide yourself of the times you could have used better to stay connected. 

People change, leave and act strangely - maybe that means that you should not center your lives too much around them. Stoicism is easier preached than practiced. I have always found myself to be pretty self centered and not too attached to people/situations..maybe I am still not and am getting a sinking feeling because of the disruption that this particular goodbye would cause. Often times you just prioritize other things over maintaining the right frequency of conversations with people you love - and prioritization is a ruthless and awful task.

Anyway, just want to remember what this particular person leaving told me and taught me - to wholly give yourself to caring for someone and making their life better, may not appear as rewarding at first but can turn out to be quite a fulfilling and liberating thing to do. If your own life ever screws up badly, try removing focus from yours to someone else's and things can become much simpler to understand and do.

Breaking of a bubble

Consciously or not, sometimes we end up constructing these bubbles around us - of illusions about people, situations and the seriousness (or the lack of it) of circumstance. Not all of us understand and comprehend reality and how much we are responsible for it at the same pace. This lands us in a slew of false beliefs and notions of things being fine, of us being capable or of fate having a way to work out things for us. Typically this would happen if you have been protected/shielded too much or at some level have made the decision to keep yourself away from listening and taking decisions on things that you assumed were just beyond your domain of thinking. 

Cliches are usually true and time has a way of dawning on you realizations that you might have been trying to avoid. When the realization of a time forgone, of a certain way you had been till now not being feasible anymore comes in - it leaves you with mixed emotions. There is a renewed sense of purpose, a feeling of fear from the risks and responsibilities that would follow, of doubt - as to whether it would be possible for you to take it on, of strength. Most of all (yes I am dramatic) - that the game where you make the way has finally begun, for better or for worse is something that (as per cliches again) time will tell. 

Dependence

There is a very thin line between support and dependence; here I speak entirely in a people's context (to be taken with a pinch of salt since I usually make generalizations and state opinions based on excessively limited data points - mostly my own). There is the feeling of tremendous safety and comfort one gets in trusting someone and having someone to lean on. As kids, teenagers, young adults some of us continue to be in the protective bubble that parents tend to create - not even realizing it was there until it's gone - and finally it comes as epiphany when you are stranded alone fending for yourself. And here fending is open to multiple interpretations.

Such a feeling is quite unnerving yet there is some element of liberation to it. I think it comes to different people in different ways, as the exhilarating rush of independence or maybe the strength that accompanies facing something brutal alone (again pardon the use of extreme words - it's all I know) or the fear that ensues having landed in shit that must be faced without guidance or support. Whatever be the route - I am gradually beginning to realize that it is one of the most important things to happen to any person in the process of 'growing up' and trying to survive and lead a seemingly purposeful/ useful existence. I don't believe that 'growing up' happens in a phase or at an age, I think it is supposed to (and usually does) go on forever..only a few of us are able to accept and appreciate that more easily, I don't know whether I'll be able to but it is reassuring to make such supposedly meaningful statements sometimes.

There is this conflict in being close to people, you end up making an unconscious transition from treating them as your support system to leaning on them completely and sometimes letting go of the rest in the process - for good or for a while depend. Either way it spells disaster, or would spell disaster soon enough. People usually have this unsaid capacity of being able to listen to only a limited amount of other people's woes (unless they are being paid by the hour for it, read: therapists), which is a good thing actually as it prevents one from endlessly wallowing and keeping hold of oneself. But at the same time it prevents you from experiencing what some of us envisage to be an all consuming relationship with some one (a friend, a teacher, a parent or a pet) where you lay yourself like an absolutely open book and are accepted for precisely that. 

I don't know if I've managed to get the vague point I was trying to make here come across but frankly as long as it helps me understand it better, it does serve some purpose. Not everything anyway in this world is supposed to serve a purpose. With this I shall try to slow down the defensive person in me a little bit. I only manage to write about things which are more often than not blurred in my own mind. I suggest to anyone who resonates with that line of thought to write it out - it is likely to be a guilt free, almost risk free way of finding support within and trying to depend only on yourself.

Self Destruction

Is when you make the conscious choice of not being worthy of what you have and giving it up. No, it isn't the kind of a task you'd envisage a person en route to becoming a monk doing. It's a selfish task, a purposeless task, a hurtful task - one that you'd undertake for the good of no person on the face of this planet. But something in you would constantly make you do that. Yes, there would be an opposing force as well, an anchor trying to get you back to your senses, people who try and show how you mean so much to them. But it is all, alas, of no help. The thing about people (most likely including myself) is that they cannot tolerate people who are unhappy and who try to gloat in self inflicted misery too much. I personally believe that's a good thing overall - keeps people pushing harder to keep their ground and maintain mental stability in a world where running to achieve this mysterious thing called success and being selfish are almost second nature. I am not belittling the good things that are there on offer but just that some of us do not have the ability to retain them if a part of us is fighting everyday to keep going. There is this reminder that this is momentary - tough times end and then you'll regret having let go off the good things/people. But while in the middle of the mess it is difficult to make yourself understand that.

Anyway, I will not elaborate much - most people hopefully wont relate to it. Just an occasion when thinking out loud was necessary. The outcome or the end situation that this yields is yet to be seen - it would be interesting to look back however on how you made it all fall apart bit by bit - for no apparent reason and no useful cause. 

Empty words

Confusion, creation, destruction, success
Hopes, beliefs, failures, what a mess

Backs and fronts, months and days
Rights and wrongs, multiple ways

Action, reaction, will, resolve
Rising above, saving the fall

People, passions, love and hate
Taking charge or leaving it to fate

Pleas, requests, rebellions and fights
Disappointment, disruptions, day and night

Comparison, discussions, mirrors and reflections
Questions, answers, futile introspection

Responsibility, trust, ethics, sincerity
Sinking feeling, changing trajectory

Knowing, learning, trying to change
Negativity, aggression, who is to blame

Places and things, experiences, vision
Mind and heart, strange divisions

Attempts, thoughts, resolution to think
Passing by without a blink

Struggles, hard work, over coming hitch
Reversal, tussles, life's itch?

A spider trying to build it's web
Dead mind and an empty head

Problems

That seem to plague our existence

Fear

Fear is the most dangerous thing to harbour in your mind; well that, and hopelessness would be close contenders. Fear stifles confidence, a sense of belief in oneself and eventually leads to disastrous consequences in whatever you do. Some amount of it is fine I believe, what I've often heard people refer to as 'positive nervousness', the kind you feel when you're at the onset of something important, something that you value or have put in a lot of hard work and mind into. That kind of 'fear' (I wouldn't chose to term it so however) is what makes us happy, gives us a sense of accomplishment and helps us feel excited about things/people/situations. The kind of fear that I am referring to here however is that which engulfs your mind and bod in a way that goes beyond your comprehension. The kind of fear which fuels inertia and self loathing, belittles your confidence and leads you on to the path of failure - whatever the term means to you. Pardon the use of such strong/extreme words, but I honestly believe that it helps in putting forward what I wish to say clearly. And clarity is one thing I am in much need of at this point.

Dependence

This one seems to be a necessary evil. We all need something or someone to lean on. For the ambitious ones it's work, for the passionate ones it's a higher purpose or calling, for some it's people and for the rest, a combination of all three in varied proportions. So many people, religions, philosophies have time and over tried to propose detachment as a route to enlightenment. Work or the pursuit of knowledge is usually seen as a closer means of attaining that end - because it is usually free of the erratic and unpredictable nature of human beings - but that isn't entirely true. That's because whatever you do requires you to deal with people in some way (and it's obvious why) so most of us are bound to get close to a few of them. The problem arises when one gives up everything else and centers one's life around another person. While that requires courage of a whole different kind, in my experience (through the people I've closely seen and been with) that isn't always the best thing to do. But then such people would seldom think of their own self interest while doing the things they do. There could be two ways of looking at such people - they either have an overwhelming sense of laziness and lack of vision to look at anything else or that of love to simply make a particular person the center of their universe.

Apathy

Love and hatred while both extreme, powerful and often misused word are the safer places to be in when it comes to one's mind. Neutrality is great as well, but indifference or apathy can be catastrophic. Maybe I'm just in the mood to use such strong descriptions but underplaying the words would dilute the message (if any). Apathy is an even more risky terrain to be one for those of us who have for long been driven by a sense of love for what they do. Don't think that I'm taking about the lot of passionate overachievers, I am simply referring to the regular lot of masses who just need to be able to answerable to themselves at the end of the day and convince themselves of doing what the are - be it the things they do, people they are with or dreams that they dream. There needs to be some sense of pursuit, of heading somewhere (not necessarily knowing where), of being okay with each day and what it brings and having a proactive attitude towards it all. It's when something in your heart dies - that thing that was driving you so far to do things, think through them and reach an end or sometimes start afresh - that things begin to fall apart. I call it apathy towards the self, towards others and towards life in general when one begins to behave this way. All of it eventually culminates into misery, complacency and mediocrity (I hate to use this word) - something that the world cannot accept if you wish to be in the race.


Confusion

I know it is unreasonable to expect clarity towards everything and everyone in life. Sure all of us need our own sweet time to what they call 'figure things out'. Some do, others don't - sooner or later. It's how things play out while you are in the middle of that state of confusion that actually decides how the cards turn out. When in a state of confusion, we somewhat surrender free will (in whatever limited ways it operates) and succumb to what we like to call destiny, fate or chance occurrences. Some would say that these would have a role to play even when you have absolute clarity regarding what you'll be doing, but still - it gives you this feeling (albeit delusional) of being somewhat in control or atleast broadly knowing what the hell is going on.
Otherwise you're just floating along, which may be enjoyable and liberating sometimes but often it's just suffocating to be in that place (and maybe here it's just the grass being greener on the other side syndrome playing out). Confusion and what it does to you varies from person to person I guess. I am just trying to say that too much of it is not too good..

More coming later..